by Geraint Fudge
Scotland’s railways were thrown into crisis last night – as Labour MSP James Kelly announced an audacious bid for the Scotrail franchise.
Speaking to a packed press conference in the chips aisle of Iceland on Rutherglen Main Street, Mr Kelly unveiled his proposals to put a halt to the Scottish Government’s contract award to Dutch firm Abellio.
“I’m putting Keith Brown and that Salmond guy off the telly on notice – I won’t stop until I have my trains.”
Mr Kelly, 49, then declared his intention to begin court proceedings against Transport Scotland and the Scottish Government, on the grounds of, “Dutch trains all being below sea level and being no use in the Highlands”, a successful case being followed immediately by his own bid for the £2.5billion, 10-year franchise.
His bid – provisionally called “KellyRail” – would involve radical changes to Scotland’s rail network, including:
- DAILY express trains from Rutherglen to Kirkwall
- DIESEL trains to be replaced by rolling stock fuelled by Um Bongo
- GLASGOW to Edinburgh journey times reduced in half by using flying DeLoreans
- FREE travel for all passengers accompanied by a Clanger
- HIGH-SPEED services introduced on the strategically important Dingwall – Brora route.
The plans also include a major overhaul of catering trolley services, with options limited to Cherryade and Ready Salted Hula Hoops, as well as Paisley Gilmour Street getting £50 million of investment to turn it into the biggest bouncy castle in Europe.
Mr Kelly accused the SNP Government of “running scared” and demanded Transport Minister Keith Brown suspend the tendering process and extend First Group’s current franchise “until I can find someone with a colour printer to get these bid documents printed properly”.
But the news was greeted with scepticism by some.
Contacted via medium via Doris Stokes, railway legend Isambard Kingdom Brunel expressed disbelief that the 52-year-old MSP for Rutherglen would be up to the job.
“Are you f**king kidding me? Seriously? What the f**k is wrong with some people?” the 155 years deceased engineer told our reporter on being informed of Mr Kelly’s proposal.
“I designed a 2-mile-long tunnel so perfectly engineered that the sun shines directly through it on my birthday. And the Clifton Suspension Bridge. OK, I kinda f**ked up that whole SS Great Britain business, but let me tell you, I know my f**king trains.
“The idea James Kelly could operate a railway network consisting of 344 stations and over 3000km of lines is batshit crazy.
“Are you sure that bastard Telford didn’t put you up to this?”
A spokesotter for Scottish Labour said, “Eh… this is the Scottish Labour Party. Please leave your name and number after the tone and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. BEEP. I think it’s OK. Oh shit, I didn’t hang u-.”